She Was Mine

---

She was my mother. Even eleven months later these words still crush my soul, and it's taken me this long to say it to you. This post is a completely different tone from what you know me to put out there but I feel it necessary for you to understand where I've been all this time and where I am now.

It began around Christmas before last, she lost so much weight, I don't think ever in her life, that she ever crossed 130 lbs, but at that point, it had gotten extreme. I saw her come out of the shower and I could see her shoulder blades protruding under her skin. It physically hurt me to see her like that, I had to fight back tears as I told her I was worried about her eating habits for some time now, and that she should forget about trying to get all the right healthy foods and just eat. But I was just her daughter when compared to the advice of doctors, what did I know?

I didn't know...I didn't know that she was doing a battery of tests at the hospital to find out why she had no appetite, why she was losing so much weight, or I guess to find anything. I went with her once, the test left her sick and vomiting, I looked after her as she did for me all of my life. That was the start of my 2019.

She didn't focus on being ill though, she still spent hours in the yard cleaning and "gardening" i.e. barely keeping her plants alive, then in the afternoon, she left to coach her track and field team. Without fail each night, she came back with something from Massy, which I told her was her home away from home, and so her days usually went. A monotony only broken by running errands on Fridays, track meets on the weekend, church on Sunday and carrying me to whatever random photoshoot location or photographer's meeting I asked.

Then March came and she couldn't make it to my best friend's wedding, which the entire family was invited to because she was like a sister to me. By June, she held a family meeting to tell everyone about the tumour they found in May and that it was cancerous. When September came so much had changed and the hospital became her unwelcome new home away from home. In October we celebrated her 64th birthday with a movie night and she beat me in a game of romie. She was gone by November and so was a big portion of myself.

It's been an emotional journey to get here, to even share this and definitely to start shooting again. All I can say that I'm in a better place than I was a few months ago.